I Forgive Myself For

2:39 pm

I forgive myself for loving so hard that it got in the way of me loving myself. 

But that's the thing, i didn't fucking know how to do that, at all. so not having a girlfriend was always shittier by default. it took a lot to learn that shit man. 

I forgive myself for not seeing the good in me. 

that's why my dad would cry. 

because it broke his heart to see someone who was so good. so obviously like, really really good. kind. loving. to see all that good, potential, literally knowing he can do whatever he wants. but he just can't beat his own sadness, or overcome it. and he felt helpless watching this. having not the slightest clue of what else to even try. 

anger is a shield sometimes. but rather than get sad, then angry. You gotta believe in God. Like dead ass. You can't give up on your kid, no matter what. But just like how it took so much to pull ME out of me— I was blind to so much of myself—  how do you think it was for him?

beat the fuck down by a monster 4 times his size. who would threaten to murder his mother every night. With no chance of being about to defend himself. Day after day. Year after year. 

But he said he loves you. 

I couldn't forgive my dad before, because I couldn't forgive anyone… It took 3 years of consistent reminders for me to admit they weren't perfect.

and that was just the beginning. admitting the truth of my emotions. even the shameful ones like anger and sadness… especially those. 

Guys this took so much fucking effort and collaboration. 

How the fuck are we going to replicate these results? 

obviously I forgive you mom and dad. Duh.

It's okay. The serums worn off. We can all stop lying now. I'd say the experiment was a success.