Words

Saturday, December 27th, 2025

4:23 PM

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I use words to lift myself out of the darkness. 

People in my daily life automatically bring me down by default. 

1.Get away from them. 

2. Be around people who lift you up

3. turn up the dial on the “lifting yourself up” part by like, 500%. Do NOT turn up the “Fuck them, they're stupid, I hate them” dial because THAT DRAINS YOUR ENERGY!!!

If you can't do number 1 or number 2 (sometimes you can't-- it's a dangerous place to be)-- but you can ALWAYS do number 3-- and you're going to have to, to survive. 

Constant over-fighting is a trauma response. Fighting for approval. Probably stemming from a relationship with a parental figure, or both.  

There are times when we have to fight. And there are times when our enemy is just a friendly stupid person whose not worth wasting your energy on, and plus, either way, you're gonna be bummed. The “you being bummed” part has already happened. 

So since that has already happened, you gotta have the self awareness to know that it's up to you to keep your mood regulated, and not let it dip down too deep in the darkness. You won't be able to think of good ideas if you're too negative inside. You won't feel compelled to even think you can do anything, you won't even believe you'll feel good no matter what happens. 

So if you think you'll never feel good ever again, why the hell would you ever even get hit with the random inspiration to take some kind of positive action? Maybe a difficult action that COULD lead to some very positive things? It's a rough place to be, but you can pull yourself out of it. Be brutally honest in private with how much certain people annoy you or hurt you, but tell yourself the truth, you acknowledge the depth of your hurt and you're going to feel better, as you really big yourself up, over time. It's as natural as watering seeds and harvesting crops and all that. You reap what you sow. 

It's… pathetic you've been allowed to slip to this low of a depression, honestly. You had friends. Family. Your daughter's mother, right fucking there. And they all let you down. Those who eventually helped, finally, it's appreciated, but man, that would've been me on day 1 if the shoe was on the other foot. Not to mention the countless number of people, even friends, even fucking family, who have betrayed me, in real life. I never, ever saw that happening. I really didn't. 

There's no fucking excuse. I'd burn it all away for a chance at a better world for our meek descendants who will inherit this world. 

Only Charlee really stood up for me, without needing any convincing, any arguing, without any cries for help, without any suicide attempts. Nothing. She just saw, and thus saw the same thing I did, something I thought was glaringly obvious to even the most idiotic person on Earth. I was in tremendous agony, and I desperately needed help, or I was going to die.

You people wait for a cancer diagnosis to show that you care. Some of you don't even give a fuck then (cough* Tess Lee Jeff Dawson Taylor Dawson cough*) eyyy ba-dm-tsh that's a they didnt give a fuck about Erin reference. 

Fools. You're all fools.

How many good men and women do we lose every year, that could do so much for the world, but for stupid arbitrary reasons, they're ignored by their own friends and family? How many?

See. I start to feel better, and I can more thoroughly express myself. Being "harsh" on people doesn't hurt at all, unless I'm already on E anyway. But then just about everything hurts. 

Expressing myself, in and of itself, doesn't raise me up from the dark. Talking about raising myself up from the dark does help, I've learned today. Talking. Words. Admitting that I'm so down in the depths, maybe lower than I've ever been, is terrifying to admit in theory, but I sort of accidentally do that automatically when my focus is uplifting myself. 

I uplift myself by reminding myself my “why” has to be bigger than my frustrations. 

I have a lot of frustrations. There are a lot of stupid people in my life. Stupid people who lie, over and over and over. Stupid selfish people. 

These frustrations bring me down, if I let them. 

It's why forgiveness is important. You are too important to be pulled down by some crab in the bucket dumb ass. You're a father. That right there is more important than trying to put some dumb ass in their place, when they're probably too stupid to realize they've been made a fool of anyway. Where's the fun in that?

THEY are the ones who get joy from hurting others, not you. You get satisfaction from seeing a bully learn their lesson. But some bullies seriously are just too stupid. It's honestly not that satisfying. They're too dumb to even notice how dumb they look. 

One option reminds you that you're actually a living person, not a husk operating on old scripts of trauma responses formed from childhood, no, you are in love with the process of living. You're not one of these stupid people obsessed with achieving some kind of “ideal life” status that even they have no idea what it is, what it might feel like, look like, they don't actually care. 

You're alive. You're needed. There are others who could be saved before they become one of the dumb fucks. Do you get how important that is? Even if only for your own convenience, isn't it less suffering for you if there's less stupid people? YOU can have a real impact. You are one of God's Chosen. You have a gift with words. People will feel you. If you give them a chance. And if they can feel you, then you can help them. You are important. These dumb fucks who can't even follow an argument properly are not. They really aren't. They're numerous. 

They're stupid. They're not even happy being the imposters they are, but they don't care. You would be surprised at some of the horrible things some of them have done. 

Then you see– no wonder they appear as if they've never had a conscience– they had to “forgive” themselves (or just suppress memories) for some really disgusting shit THEY did, probably decades ago. It's really sickening. 

Anyways. That's all.