Status Update

I suppose maybe this feeling of paralysis stems from childhood. When everything went to chaos around me, there was nothing I could do. 

People look at me like I'm selfish, as I sit alone suffering. They live in a different world than me. The last thing I want to be is alone. But I can handle it. I have no choice. 

But they talk as if I can just walk outside and go to the friend store. 

It hurts more to reach for help and then be denied. Or be disappointed. People always, always, always give me that advice. Just ask for help. Reach out to others. 

I am going to write my story of surviving the abuse I experienced from my ex. 

I can't put into words how sick some people are.

A father is crying because he misses his little girl, I make a post on Facebook, and my ex's lawyer and some other person emails me saying I'm making "suicidal posts on Facebook."

I'm going to ruin all of them, and you will be remembered as the monsters that you are. 

Ever read "A Child Called It?"  That's what my life with my ex was like.

But because I'm a man, no one believes it. Maybe the way I look, I don't know. The assumption when I walk in the room is I'm going to fuck everyone's girlfriend. Then everyone's low key bummed when I don't. 

And I'm like sorry I'm not a piece of shit? I'd be far easier to digest that way, wouldn't I? Handsome asshole guy, got it. No feelings, no brain, we know the drill. 

The assumption is I was toxic back with her, I must've done "something" to deserve her wrath. She's such a two faced back stabbing coward, she puts up an expert front. 

Was the child in "A Child Called It" toxic? Maybe he deserved those beatings. That's what you all believe, huh? Because the idea that one person was 100% in the wrong is impossible, right?

Why do you think I'm so fucking pissed?

I've already forgiven the bitch 1,000 times. 

It's like she can't stand being treated with such kindness and compassion, she has to try to enrage me, trigger me, in order to feel "superior."

"See?? THAT'S why I had to get full custody! It only took years and years of constant torment and he snapped, that proves my point!!!"

She seems determined to get a man to hurt her. I'm not ruining my life for you, bitch. You're gonna get yours. 

I thought of different ways to transmute this pain. But. I can't do this in an artistic way. I need to just state the facts. 

My daughter, the world, needs to know what a horrible person she is. And I need my daughter back. Enough is enough...

I feel pretty horrible every day no matter what I do. I feel similar to how my sister described her feelings in her last years, not to sound dramatic. But like there's just nothing left. 

They got me on welbutrin. Maybe it'll do something. 

I think I have to admit I was hoping for something that wasn't gonna happen. I didn't want to admit it. I am not sure what happened to me there. But. I was lying to myself. I was telling the truth but not wanting to admit that I wanted something that pretty clearly wasn't going to happen. 

I just have to make myself not think of them. Whenever they pop up. Change the radio station. I guess that's it. I don't know the point of all that nonsense. I guess it was just nonsense.  It didn't help they messed with me. I can't trust people who mess with me. So they would have had to do something to earn my trust and clearly they're never going to do that, so. There's nothing more to say. I know no one would have been stuck on situations like that for so long. Besides me. I don't know what happened. 

I think maybe I'm getting a little better with living with my family. 

I'm going to figure out whatever it takes.