my soul knows what it needs

and what it needed... 

another person can't do anything but guess how I'm feeling.

guess what's best for me. 

that's the best I can hope for. is it that way for everybody?

have i just not found the right people?

whoever "my" people are. 

I don't fit in anywhere... literally. 

it's like i don't know how to be a part of a group. except... on... a sports team. bro I'm not... actually making a recreational football league could be kinda fun actually. 

start my own league. burnt out 30-somethings only. we'd... all... die. this is probably a bad idea.

but other than that, yeah. i... don't really understand who or what I am.

so uh. let's just... let's just get this out of the way. you, the weirdo people, my ex's friends jk haha I'm sure she had nothing to do with anything.... spooky underground kingdom people. 

we... gotta talk. cause... you got me a little fucked up. so. you hack into my devices and like, ya know. see me on some gay shit. solo. solo gay. now we get into the debate, is it gay to like transwomen? I already know what everyone thinks. i... I don't care man. 

my point is this... I really was like. ey whatever... maybe I'm gay or some shit. so. I experimented. solo. 

so ya saw me doing that and what not, you got pictures/videos of that or what not. 

so some people would've... been gone just from that. being like "Oh shit everyone knows I'm gay!" 

out of shame and all that... like... dudes have unalived themselves over that. 

so, number one, dick move. number two--- I proved i don't give a fuck... release all them gay pics of me jackin it idgaf... you all are the weirdos not me tf 😂😂 in a dress or not... who watches mfs like that

so for me.... after my ex im like... bruh... maybe i just... ain't sposed to even be with women. it's crazy... I enabled her, i should've shut that shit down earlier, should've stood up for myself, like bruh I get it. I'm sorry. Shit am I crucified for life for being too fucking nice a few years ago?

anyways. so. I'm not ashamed at all. I decided, hey, something ain't right... maybe I'll try this shit. 

but once I knew people saw me doing that---- 

to clarify---- 

once people saw me doing that and I mean.... made fun of me on their YouTube channels 😂🤷‍♂️ (some people).... 

see that's the thing, some were supportive!! but it's like bro, first of all- again-- super weird---- but also,  am I being made into some kinda... queer super hero-- which i would be proud to be!! I don't give a fuck. if I was... definitely gay! ...... I'm like 48 shouldn't I have had a crush on a dude by now in my life, wouldn't i have noticed...? or is that what... internalized homophobia... that blocked it all? why is there a whole fucking lore discussion when a guy does something gay but chicks can eat each other's pussies and no one questions them on shit? just saying. 

anyways. so if "the narrative" is, ooh, we "caught" You doing gay shit, by yourself, aren't you scared and sad about that....

it's like...  well, fuck y'all. I'm not scared. call me gay as fuck, bisexual, whatever, I don't give a fuck. Because they're nothing wrong with that shit, so i don't give a fuck about the "blackmail" you have on me. 

that being said... 

if I had been like a 20 year under cover cross dresser, and y'all "caught" Me---- THAT person probably would've jumped off a bridge. Cause they BEEN hiding themselves undercover for so long. So to commit to lying to yourself like that, for years and years---- that's crazy. that could never be me. 

that's why I'm not ashamed... its not like I've been secretly gay undercover but just ashamed. I really was just like... aight. guess I'll try it. I barely got to do shit before you mfs bothered me 😂

in my head--- if that life was for me, I would've naturally found out. and NONE of you would ever question it once i knew. mf if I was gay i'd be GAY, in your face about it, you know how hard life is for those people? you gotta be tough as fuck. I wouldn't have an ounce of shame.

THAT BEING SAID.... 😂 this is where it gets awkward...

Me being "caught" after dipping my toe in the pool of gay-dom, really like--- I mean-- the fuck 😂.... talk about traumatizing someone about a sensitive subject, a potential time of self discovery. 

I've... stood up for everybody my whole life... everyone whose marginalized, that includes gay people, all that. and ya know there's a lot of those straight allies type of people right?

okay say I'm gay--- or bi---- where the fuck are the allies? if I was gay or bi-- which, maybe i fuckin am bi but the discovery phase was interrupted------------ if I was-- like bro im just like thinking of some innocent dude who didn't do anything wrong (... like.....me....), maybe he's gay or just confused, or figuring it out-- like can you think about how he might feel to be violated like that? does using a fake person other than me make you able to kinda see how it's messed up...?

bro my whole point is I never had romantic feelings for a guy. so. feel like that's a really important part of being gay or bi. but, y'all got "blackmail" (I don't care) of me doing gay shit by myself in the privacy of my home.... so it's like. pretty much anyone who figures out that info about me is gonna assume I'm gay or bi (A very fair observation!).... so my POINT is--- I have this rebellious part of me that doesn't wanna look afraid or weak. 

so if people have images of me bein gay. well. I'm no longer allowed to be worried about mfs wondering if I'm gay or not. 

it's just like... I don't not give a fuck what anyone thinks of me. hell yeah im gay cocksucker, I ain't no bitch.

wait... what

people have all sorts of theories. 

what do you think that 90 no p**n challenge is about? that shit sucks. damaging to the soul. well. maybe it's only damaging if you're lonely, and you're watching it to "feel" like you're having sex with people. thats... a waste of energy. some blue pull matrix shit.... 

porn isn't sex... its... not real life, know what i mean. 

people say you can have so called porn-induced fantasies and blah blah, dude I don't care. I'm cool with being bi, if that's the case... I don't give a fuck. 

....see, i just did it again. 

do you see the weirdness of this?

like I watch porn of chicks getting dp'd, that doesn't necessarily mean I want to like, be a part of that in real life. 

but maybe I do!

that's.... the real issue here.

I don't really know... that much about myself.

it's like I'm always changing. 

I feel invisible a lot.

but you can't know yourself in isolation. 

that's... how i got myself out of pits in my life, every time. almost every time, my misery was exacerbated or maybe even totally created by my instinct to isolate. 

people... spending time with people. connecting with people, being around people. it healed me every time. 

I think most people don't think of that as an obvious answer for me because 1) they just figure im a super introvert because I'm able to mask really really well even when lonely as hell,         2) those mother fuckers have normal brains that naturally tell them to go be social 😂🤷‍♂️

you mother fuckers... lol. saying it with love. telling me to go be alone, basically---- man.... I grew up alone.

wake up. scared, sad and angry. go to school, don't talk hardly. people talking shit as I walk through the halls. can't keep myself awake in class. falling asleep. struggling my best to stay awake. 

fall behind in class... parents give their signature look and speech of despair, hopelessness and disappointment..... what did i do to feel better as a kid? oh yeah. porno.... damn... now that the data shows how damaging that is to the brain. pretty messed up to see your kid isolate in his room with just his computer day in and day out. 

I was the golden child. the one who wouldn't fuck up like the other two, as they hoped. 

but yeah when you neglect your kids it fucks them up. it's all good... we know now, for the future. no hard feelings about the past. let's just learn from it. 

so anyway. I grew up alone, a lot. yeah yeah like Bane. Grew up in the dark, molded by it. 

so the weird cryptic "isolation" talk never phased me.... I basically grew up in solitary confinement, for a few years in my childhood. I thought that shit was normal. 

anyways. what's my point here. 

oh....

if I was some like definitely gay person--- like if I ever had romantic feelings for a guy---- I would not give a fuck. 

let me put it this way. this entire blog is the kinda shit that just.... doesn't matter. 

people are gonna think what they're gonna think.

so.... congratulations. if that was just some experimentation shit and not for me. then I'll be the first..... straight queer icon. 

and if i am actually bi--- which--- ..... wouldn't i know? like when you see a beautiful woman walk by, you notice right, you're kinda happy for a second-- like wouldn't i feel that feeling for dudes if I was bi or gay?

then again. I did do some gay shit. can't deny it!! ya bastards saw me.... good job... or something. 

when i grew up, and probably still today, you do 1 gay thing your entire life, that's it. you're in gay jail. rest of your life. 

it's weird. 

like..... to know my ex was somehow complicit with folks who violated my privacy during such a personal time--- and my ex herself, being kind of a cruel, sadistic person, probably seeing those pictures and/or videos and laughing her ass off. 

that's... crazy to me. like..... 

I am not ashamed or scared at all 😂😂😂

if the above scenario i just described is true----- she's like...... the worst fuckin person ever bruh 😂😂😂

I swear fuckin. anime has nothing on my life. 

sephiroth? whose he? someone i looked up to, who... fucked me over, to "activate me" ? 

Mother fucker there's like 500 of them. 

imagine Cloud vs. 500 Sephiroths.

It's dumb as fuck, right? 

Fuckin YEAH, no shit, that's my point. 

And Griffith, the ultimate betrayal.

How my ex has treated me... like, the eclipse, the sacrifice, being sold to some weirdos, etc--- THAT part is like my ex. 

anyways. 

I used to have anxiety about liking watching chicks get gangbanged or whatever blah cause that's kinda GAY bro, there's other dudes there!!! ahhhh so like anyway, I had all those existential crises when I was a teenager. 

but like... oh yeah. I became more social and started dating and shit. 

so that's what I'm saying.... loneliness, isolation doesn't bare any rewards at all... I don't know who came up with that being the methodology for becoming the ultimate bad ass but.... that's cap 

especially these days. people addicted to the internet like the matrix. 

I'm outside every single day, in the streets, smoking drinking, meeting people, making connections.... 

basically im doing all the shit i was on track to do anyway....... before..... what... a bunch of weirdos distracted me?

I don't need anyone to validate my pain lmfaoo bruh do you know who you're talking to?

like..... I spent 30 something years expressing nothing to nobody. 

I know how to move on my own....

you all insult me with that shit. 

it really proves you don't know anything about me. 

why the fuck is everyone so fucking intrigued like I'm a zoo animal. some say it's my genetics. blonde hair and colored eyes. that sounds like some weird nazi shit..... kinda weird bro. and these are not white supremacists, these are different races of people with these weird basically racist beliefs, but hey, whatever. 

YOU mother fuckers "taught" me to express my true feelings of anger, even when it's someone I pedestalize.

I get it. I was conditioned to do that by my dad..... so in relationships I like, re-created that weird dynamic of like, the chick is the prize and I'm something beneath her. 

I get it. I was wrong. I didn't have knowledge of self.....

but....

I don't really feel like I'm that much closer. 

to knowing who or what I am.

I was authentic.  i spoke the whole truth. tears streaming down my face. 

and..... it led to the worst thing that's ever happened to me in my life. 

I know a lot of people are like "welcome to the club. Life is hard bro get rekt".... like nothings ever happened in my life or something wtf.  

I grew up being told to be grateful for everything... I tried to be kind to everyone, especially those who are overlooked, because I relate to them.... so.... this whole thing is just weird as fuck to me. 

what whole thing?

I don't know. 

Data from star trek has green eyes. 

The android in Prometheus has green eyes.

Eminem: "I feel like a robot" (song: Run Rabbit Run)..... and the song Rapbot.

Sephiroth to Cloud: "Your feelings aren't real, you're a puppet" etc..... Cloud's flashbacks of enduring fake conversations from his "loving" mother talking AT him, instead of TO him (odd Sephiroth directly quotes her later...).... Ok this one's weak, I don't know, Cloud seemed robotic sometimes. Fuck you. Metaphors.

Oh, I just realized.... its all a bunch of retarded bullshit.

You are all weird as fuck... but like, at first in a seemingly intriguing way, but then it ends up being the regular weird, which is just, weird and shitty.

Which sucks. Cause I for some reason thought you were really cool actually. 

Oh well.