i guess i had it right in childhood

I was resentful against myself growing up for being so painfully shy. I wanted to be a part of people's lives. It was the worst when people would point out i was quiet. 

As soon as i was old enough, i lifted all the weights. Maybe if i was in shape, people would be more likely to talk to me. It kinda sorta worked, but not really. 

No one will ever understand me. Except my daughter, apparently. 

I have no idea what I'm supposed to do to get her back. Focus on my IT career. What's the magic number that will make her mother "be okay" with my existence and let me see my own child? 

Do i need to be a millionaire?

Or maybe there is no number. It doesn't matter. She just wants to torture me, for her own sick pleasure. Revenge against men. Who knows.

I don't need to express or feel anything. There's nothing I can do. Feeling my feelings has done nothing but ruin my life. Guess i was wrong. My dad was right. Life sucks. My uncle was right. Just don't care about anything. 

I'm not very excited to contribute to a world that gangs up on me. For no fucking reason. With no end in sight, it seems. With no path to liberation. 

I don't like you people. Not anymore. I never will again. I'll never trust any of you. 

I guess that's it.

Yes, yes the fuck it is.

Can a man descend inside himself in order to stay alive, in a world that evidently very clearly hates him, for ~70ish years? Yeah. That was my entire childhood almost. That's nothing to me. 

I am not a man. I am more like a tree. A plant. I tried to be a part of humans lives, my entire life. And they took everything important away from me. Then they harassed and abused me. Stalked me, spied on me, humilated me. 

Then they fucking asked, so what are you gonna do about it. Fucking kidding me. 

How tone deaf and privileged can you be, to ask me such a question. 

Your life must be very nice and comfortable.

I don't hate people. I can't. It'd be like hating a class full of kindergartners. What do you expect from them?

I expected more. But now I understand. They are just large children. The world is Lord of the Flies. Humans are evidently endlessly cruel. 

It's nothing for me to go inside myself. To completely disappear. For decades. It's nothing. I did it through most of my childhood. No one notices. No one sees you. Even if they do, they pretend not to. 

I now see. What a blessing it is, to be able to do that. If I couldn't, who knows what I would do 

I don't care about anything. 

It's funny. You freaks. You say people who do drugs are the ones who don't care about anything. 

I'm sober now. This is me. This is who i was growing up, when i do obviously needed help. I guess i had it right, back then. 

All that struggling, all those years and years of appointments, doctors, pills, reading books, learning social skills, learning about the brain, the mind, pushing myself. All of it was useless, I guess. 

I ended up just as hated as before, maybe even more hated. 

My struggle to be appear normal then led people to believe I could just, do anything, for some reason. They don't give a fuck about me, they care about what they think i COULD be. They hate what i am. What i actually am.

All I can say is... I did an amazing fucking job. 

Anyone growing up feeling the way I did would've killed themselves, or worse. So many people have. 

But not me. I fought hard to better myself. For decades. 

It ultimately led to... this. Being hated Anyway. Being discarded anyway. Being tortured anyway. 

Was it all for nothing?

Kinda. Life is all for nothing. Everything is all for nothing. 

But i won. I got everything i wanted. I had a good career, a family, a child.

I can't do anything about the world hating me and wanting me to die. I can't. I've "climbed" more than enough mountains, before you were even born. I don't have to prove shit to anyone. We are way, way passed that. I've been proving shit to people my entire life. 

I want nothing. I am nothing. I am at peace. A peace you will never understand. 

It's going to be a long, cold, dark 70 years. I hope you are ready.