You all annoy me.
Tuesday, April 7th, 2026
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I want those 2 chicks. That honestly would make all my life's pain worth it. We could call it even.
"No not that lol but uh other stuff, just manifest it bruh"
Okay then, fuck you.
It's a morbid reality.
You ever been punched in the gut?
You know how it takes the wind out of you?
How it's like... a gaping hole in your stomach? Kinda feels like a horrible stomach ache... Like an infinite void opened up in there.
Imagine that ALL the time. 24-7.
"So what, everyone has pain, deal with it, blah blah blah"
First of all. I'm so sick of this pedo-philish victim blaming bullshit.
I had pain before this. I always dealt with it. Always. On my own. No fucking complaints.
I didn't even burden others with my pain. I dealt with it. I read the books. I did the therapy. I took the medicines they prescribed. I did the fucking work.
I'm doing exactly what I need to do. I'm staying alive. I'm not hurting anybody.
Expressing myself doesn't help. It just doesn't. I don't give a fuck.
I'm not going to therapy or going to a psychiatrist lmao, that gaslighting nonsense. The more you play that game, the more evidence you're giving everyone that you're "unstable." There's literally no point. It's an endless wild goose chase, and I'll never, ever go back to anything like that again.
I will stay alive. I will get my daughter back and I'll stay alive.
That's exactly what I need to do. Nothing else.
I don't sell out. I'm not marketing my pain for some Hollywood bullshit. I was OPEN to that, so I extended olive branches for collaboration--- the cooperation would have been healing--- but evidently that's not what this game is.
This isn't a choice. This isn't me being arrogant or egoic.
This is survival. Period.
If anyone has some other idea, you know where to find me and talk to me in person. Otherwise, get lost.
I need to be alive for my daughter.
The pain I feel is so great, that staying alive is all I can really do. Resting. Taking it easy.
My friends ain't shit. They're not around. Can't even be bothered to talk on the phone. But they love to say the thing!
"I'm right here for you! Blah blah blah"
Fuck off, man.
My life has been really painful. And I managed that pain expertly. I spent my life learning, reading, trying to overcome myself, so I could be a part of YOUR lives.
And I did. A former college dropout. I went BACK to school and got my degree in technology. Got a career in that field. Years of experience and hard work.
Tons of hobbies, video editing, content creator, it was all on my YouTube, before I became paranoid about my ex potentially using anything to make me look bad--- which, guess what, that's exactly what she did, and got my child taken from me.
I don't know what to tell y'all. I gave everything I had and I left it all on the field. There won't be any more rants or arguments about what else I should or could do.
The pain I carry around now is so great. It's massive. It hurts all the time. Even when I sleep, I have nightmares where I'm searching frantically for my 5 year old daughter.
I am in hell.
It pains me that some people who thought they knew me, felt it necessary to gamble with my sanity, like I "needed" this.
Again, that's if this came as a result of people's actions who knew me.
If for example those 2 chicks independently chose to put me through this, a random stranger they saw potential in. I would forgive them 100%. They can do no wrong in my book. I love them. And I don't give a fuck what any of you think about that.
It just seems like my ex or faggot pedo uncle would be like, "Oh my God, he's looking at gay porn and dressing in drag?! He needs Jesus!! Yes, sign him up for this mind fucking program, it's the only way to save him!!"
Faggot pedo cult members.
Yes, let's all be concerned for the guy who is exploring his sexuality in the privacy of his own home, but not the man who steals pain pills from his dying mother, or let's his little innocent sweet baby daughter get raped by J**n Za***a for 10 years, and does nothing about it.
"Meh, maybe she liked it." Actual uncle quote.
You all can get fucked.
I'm so confused, I have a fucking degree, and I was working in my chosen field. But these cock suckers, including my traitor cunt cousin's boyfriend, seem to emphasize, "Hey, you gotta do something you enjoy doing"....
I enjoyed IT. So what, I got a little distracted and detached from life after my sister died. That's fucking normal.
I also was a video editor, and content creator. My gaming videos were funny as fuck, and meticulously edited. Did I achieve major success from them? Maybe not, but it was fulfilling.
But now my friends mysteriously never want to spend time with me, ever since November 2024, for some reason. Totally not being forced or influenced by any outside forces. Right.
None of this was about helping me (if this was okay'd by my ex and/or uncle, or some other piece of shit family member). It was about hurting me, under the guise of "helping." I guarantee those priests who rape the little boys use the same logic.
But that's the logic you all agree with, is it not?
We have to ascend the body. Your butthole gets ravaged, hey, it's all good! You're not your body, bro! Transcend the physical my guy, sheesh, stop being so egoic!
Okay, so please send your kids to your local Catholic Church. I'm sure Father Michael's special Sunday School training will aid them in transcending the shackles of the physical realm.
Oh, not vibrating so fuckin' high anymore, are ya? Interesting.
Interesting how that is.
You can't "do anything you wanna do" in this life.
I hate when you people say shit like that.
Like that little girl who was trafficked as a toddler. Just to feel somewhat normal, she had to do heroin. Because she was routinely raped by countless grown men. Every single day.
She HAD to do heroin.
This is what you cowards refuse to see.
Go ahead.
Go up to that little girl, and tell her she shouldn't do heroin.
Go up to her and tell her, she needs to get over her greed and her pride, and put the needle down.
Go up to the raped baby and tell her to think about how her mother would feel, seeing her put that needle in her arm. How much shame she's bringing the family name. Go ahead. Tell her she's making her mother cry.
The same mother who pimped her out.
That's what you all do. You're utterly fucking ridiculous. And worthless.
Meh, I don't mean it. You're not worthless. Just misinformed.
Even if I could summon the inner strength to break out of this, I wouldn't.
I want you all, the perpetrators, the traitors, to sit in this darkness with me. It doesn't bother me. This is normal life to me. Since I was a little boy.
What you did was push someone who was already way over the edge, and you tried to nearly bury them. If this was my first rodeo, that'd be one thing.
I have great power within me.
And yeah... I have no choice but to keep it to myself. To stay alive. As much as part of me would love to share it. I wish I could, actually.
But it takes everything in me to stay alive. To keep from going insane. To keep from driving and chain smoking for 8 hours a day.
It's lonely here. So lonely.
And here I am, just dumping all this pain out. I feel like Holden Caulfield. Catcher in the Rye. I liked that book. They say serial killers like that book, which makes me feel really shitty, and also confused. It's just a good hearted dude whose fucking sad.
I'll never forget in class when this hot popular happy chick was like, "Why doesn't he like, depend on himself? All he does is complain."
I was like, fuck. I finally find a book that speaks to me, and everyone thinks it's just about a whiny faggy little bitch. I guess that's what he looks like to most of you. I'm sure that's what I look like, too, to you all.
I felt bad for him. I felt his pain. J.D. Salinger's pain. But fuck all that gay shit, amirite fellas???
I wish I could still make music. I wish I felt hopeful about people. It took me 30 something years to build myself to be, what I thought was, a really great person who assimilated into society.
And... all of a sudden, it all gets washed away. Because someone in my friend group or family group felt I "needed" this.
Again. If it was just those 2 chicks who felt I needed this and drafted me into this. I would forgive them completely. That's completely different. I masked the depth of my pain expertly.
They probably figured I was a 3 out of 10 on the happiness/depression scale (0 being suicidal, 10 being impossibly happy).
But I was really a negative 5. I've been masking my whole life. Separated from my girl friend, only able to see my baby half the time as before. My sister dying of cancer... like Jesus Christ, why is it so crazy I was bummed?
But anyways. I would hold no ill will against them if this was all because of them... They didn't know me. It's not their fault. I'm a stubborn fucking a-hole.
A more normal person probably would have flipped it and turned it into some great success story. I'm sorry. I just have so much pain. It hurts. A lot.
But if it was anyone other than the 2 of them, fuck whoever it was.
But if it was them it's okay.
I really hate that people judge me, or maybe they were pretending to judge me, for my feelings for the two of them. I mean, no one will tell me the truth about anything, so why do you all imply they're evil or bad?
More evil and bad than a guy stealing pain pills from his dying mother and letting a Colombian midget rape his baby for 10 years and do nothing about it? I highly doubt it.
And that's the CHRISTIAN. That's the kind of person YOU all love. Pfft.
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What if it was just the 2 of them who got you involved in this?
That's why I wanted to meet them and talk to them. I would've forgiven everything. I'd have been like, I get it, I wasn't fulfilling my potential, and you guys saw that, so you put me through this.
You actually fucking saw me, when all of my family and friends didn't, only my daughter did. None of my friends or family did. I was either invisible, or they were stuck on some past version of me, or they just took me for granted.
I'm always going to love the 2 of them. It isn't a choice. A man saying something like that about a woman is automatically creepy, because you all are pieces of shit, and you think all men are rape-monsters, even though it's a tiny percentage of demons who do that shit.
And how many of those monsters are artificially created, through processes similar to what I was put through?
Really makes you have some sympathy for some of those people. They were probably just lonely, kinda sad dudes, doing their best in life. But "some group" of whoever the fuck, did their little MK Ultra bullshit, and... yeah.
You guys are dicks. I don't get why anyone would do dumb shit like that. Clearly, based on the number of psychotic killers that process created, that methodology isn't very good. Yet you persist. Odd.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result, right? Tsk tsk tsk.
Anyways.
What if they're not real? I.e. they're men in drag.
A retard thinks a guy in drag is the same as a woman born with a penis. Because you're retarded and worthless, and we all hate you. "Transgenderism" predates recorded history. It is as natural as heterosexuality, and has always been here.
They both look like chicks to me. Like super really really hot chicks. I don't know if just one is supposed to be trans, or neither, or both.
But a guy dressing in drag is completely different. Not gonna waste my time explaining reality to retarded fucks. But yeah, what if they were just like, gay dudes, with prosthetics, and makeup and wigs, fake detachable boobs, fake lips, fake whatever?
Then... I... I would be bummed. Cause. I'm just not... that doesn't do anything for me. But I wouldn't hulk out in a rage and swear vengeance or anything. I guess I'd just figure they were just. Strange mid-20 year old's who believed I could overcome these challenges.
I also would figure they weren't really acting on behalf of their own will, completely. Too much production.
That would just be personally a bummer, but I'd still forgive them.
It would be a huge bummer. Because then it means the women, trans or cis or whatever, really don't exist, at all. And uh. That's super fucked up. Because they definitely did things to make me love them. Should we talk about that?
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I think I blocked so much shit out. Because it was like... overwhelming
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I don't really feel that all encompassing void in my stomach right now. I don't really know why. Partially because I spaced out the dosages, which I always was supposed to do, but never really did. I was just taking 30mg in the morning all at once.
But today, I took 15mg when I woke up, and felt like shit for a while. Wrote about it. Few hours later took my 2nd dose, kept writing. Who knows.
My daughter's mom is now refusing to even video call with me, with my daughter. So I only see her once every 2 weeks, for an hour. I don't even get to talk to her anymore.
I have never been a danger to anyone, especially not my daughter. I was always by her side, since before she was born. Everything I've done was for her. I gritted my teeth and tried to make it work with her mom, despite how badly she would treat me.
Once I saw the evidence of cheating, I was motivated to ask, "Do you want to break up?" and SHE said yes. I did the right thing. I did the difficult thing. I left the abusive relationship, I knew dying inside "for my daughter's sake" just wasn't a thing. I could be an amazing parent, and our baby would have both parents in her life, and she is what matters.
But I didn't realize the level of evil I was dealing with. So oh well. Apparently I'm far from the only one whose suffered in such a way.
I don't know what to say, I gave my all to that relationship. I had a note file in my phone, with her favorite restaurant, favorite foods, favorite colors, birth stone, places she mentioned she'd like to go, things she mentioned she would like to do. I couldn't have done better.
You can only last so long with someone giving you NOTHING in return. She was kind of more like a resentful, neglectful parent, than a girlfriend. She "let me" move in with her, into her nice fancy condo, so I should've been grateful. As if I was some fucking homeless bum before I met her.
I was a completely self sufficient man taking perfectly good care of my fucking self, thank you very God damn much.
I told her, I didn't WANT to move in with her. But she insisted. She was pregnant, if we're gonna do this, we're gonna do this, or not, she said. Basically an ultimatum. So I gave in and moved in.
I will never let a woman have power over me again. They claim they don't care about making more money than the man. Bullshit. They get resentful. As a man, you are a slave. You're the dancing monkey. Your purpose is to entertain and give them money. That's it.
They don't love you.
Anyway. Fuck her. Men, don't date women, don't have kids.
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I guess I'm done writing for the day. I felt like I was on a roll earlier today. Like. I was kinda enjoying writing. Like it helped me feel better. Just being honest.
Despite everyone belittling my pain, telling me to pull myself up by my bootstraps or to vibrate higher, or to stop being entitled or egoic, I spoke the truth. As I always have.
It's not marketable. It's not sexy. It's not fun.
Oh fucking well, like I give a fuck.
My job is to stay alive.
Living is painful now. Extremely fucking painful. Every single day.
I wish I could still make music. But it just isn't there.
Too much pain.
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