(I guess) I think I figured it out.

Okay. So. 

The whole thing is supposed to be vague, it's supposed to be a mirror- everyone watches the videos and applies their own meaning to them. 

Duh.

The only reason I thought it was like. SPECIFICALLY about me, literally, is because--- I'm not gonna go into it. If you know, you know. I'm not some dumb ass who randomly just thought some vague stuff was about me. 

So why the shout-outs and the winks. I figured it was to inspire me or motivate me. Or something. But. It kinda freaked me out. I tried to hide that, maybe I didn't hide that very well. 

But. You guys caught me at a really bad time. Like. Lowest point in my life bad time. So many things were so bad, just before I ran into you folks. So. The dam completely broke. 

I've gone through cycles of depression my whole life. I always come out of them. I always come out stronger. It can take years. But meeting you all kinda threw a wrench into my natural process. 

I could have just not gone on youtube. I realize it's my fault. I can't expect anyone to understand, I guess. I don't know what I was thinking. I mean. That's how all those stories happen, right. Alice in Wonderland, Undertale, whatever. You kinda slip and fall and keep falling uncontrollably. 

I guess I must've looked pretty weird from your all's perspective. Kinda sucks. But. I assume you've seen it before. 

I kept really getting caught up in the storyline, and thinking it was real. So I was like, what the fuck. This MUST be something super important and sketchy and messed up. 

Well if it's so important, how come no one will speak up, even when I put myself out there? I put my raw self out there, in every way, my words, my music, everything. It wasn't really about making anything good, it was about speaking the truth about things. I lost everything for opening my mouth and speaking. I lost EVERYTHING for my authenticity and courage. And no one gave anything back. 

It never changed anything. I never got any answers to anything. 

Eventually my motivation to create kinda stopped because it wasn't having the effect I wanted. 

I thought this was potentially some kinda fucked up puzzle game where some rich piece of shit member of my family was pulling strings in my life. And the point of the challenge was for me to learn to stand up for myself and speak the truth no matter what. I called everybody out. Everybody. 

And yeah. Not one person really commented on a thing I was talking about. All that stuff about a cult, my family "being in the Occult." My uncle secretly doing some evil shit behind the scenes and being in an evil club. 

I spoke on every. Little. Thing.

It didn't change anything. And just made people think I was fucking crazy.

I thought I was doing something good. I thought I was standing up for what was right. I thought I was standing up to some really shadowy oppressive force, for the benefit of everyone. 

But nothing I did effected anything at all. It actually has done nothing but make my life super shitty.

So. I guess. It's more productive to take all these story ideas and put them into... some kind of story. Instead of trying to figure out what's real and what's not. 

My whole point was, if any of this is real, then this is pretty serious stuff. We really need to work together to fix this. Cults and shit. 

So. Oh well. So. None of it was real, huh. So I'm not adopted... My bloodline isn't from some ancient line that rules the world and I'm not the legendary super Saiyan that's supposed to take them all down and save the world. 

Would've been kinda cool. Oh well. 

I just was in a very mentally vulnerable place. And I got. Very intrigued by a lot of things. 

I did a lot of damage to myself. I mean. I guess I know for the future. Dealing with lots of stress and grief, don't... wander into weird places. Because when you're dealing with all that, you're not yourself. So if you wander to a weird place, with weird people, you might get messed up. You might be more affected by their weirdness than you otherwise would have. 

I guess the reason no one will tell me anything is because... there's nothing to tell. The entire thing is made up. So. Literally only I can tell the story... because, with your all's assistance, I made it up in my head. 

But there were so many things that seemed real. I was convinced. I really thought a bunch of it was real. Heh. I guess that's why I've felt so weird for so long. Cause if everything was real that I thought, people would help me. People would tell me. 

I thought... maybe I really was adopted. Or altered in the womb. It did feel like people were indifferent to me my whole life. It did feel like I was born with so much more guilt and shame than others, like maybe I was put through some kind of SRA stuff as a kid. Something meant to traumatize me, to suppress my power. 

Why was my dad so depressed my whole life? As if someone did some messed up stuff to him. Why were people saying I was acting bipolar, which clearly my uncle has that same issue? No one's ever accused me of that before. 

Why did my uncle's girlfriend go crazy on him for no reason, lose her mind, and accuse him of crazy shit? Kinda like my last girlfriend. Seems like, beat for beat the same almost. 

I guess that's the thing. None of the youtube videos spelled all this out. These are just the projections I made, from real life. It's kind of like someone being like "the sky is above you," and I'm like, "Hmm... Oh my God, you're right, the sky is blue!! OMG how did you know?? This is a huge conspiracy!!"

I thought of all sorts of shit. I thought those chicks might be trafficking victims. The fuck am I supposed to do about that? Especially if no one gives a fuck when I talk about it. 

So. Oh well. I guess I took things a little too literally.

I seriously was thinking I was like, Goku or something, like the one good Saiyan, and my "family" / "bloodline" or whatever would represent the other Saiyans, who are evil, who control the world, and run the Illuminati, Bilderburg group, the council of foreign relations... And they set the order of the world to be about fear and control. That's why they say it's a fallen world and the devil is the king of the world. 

So what, my uncle is the devil, the false king, like Scar. Well. I mean. He just has a shitty condo, that doesn't make sense. 

So. I don't get why everyone acts weird to me. I guess to keep me feeling weird, so I feel like I'm in the storybook, so I'll either go crazy, or write the story. I hope writing a story makes people stop being so weird. But I don't want to get my hopes up. 

I even thought maybe my dad and uncle were watching my social media, perhaps even spying through the phone haha, in on the entire thing, spying on me, reporting what they saw to the "evil bloodline headquarters." Haha.

No one could be that bitch made, that pathetic. That much of a coward. Like what. Think they're scared of the family? I'm not. At all. A family that enslaves it's family isn't family, those are slave masters, and if there was any truth to it, they would need to be put to death. But no one would be that pathetic. 

Even though my uncle literally watches everything his 30 something adult daughter does on her phone, he's basically made every move for her, her entire life. That's child abuse and torture. But no one cares, so fuck it and fuck them too.

Getting routinely tortured every time I'm incarnated would make the in born incredibly heavy guilt shame and depression make sense.

I couldn't help but wonder what happened. All this Epstein stuff going on. They literally farmed babies and sold them. Took babies from the girls with blonde hair and blue eyes. Couldn't help but wonder if I was one of those sold babies. 

But meh. I guess not. I spoke the truth on everything. I thought that's what this was all about. Standing up and speaking the truth. Which I did. Countless times. Over and over and over. 

It changed nothing, and no one stood by me. 

So, if any of this is real, fuck it. The cults win, the order of the world stays exactly the same, they get to keep farming babies, whatever. 

I can't save the fucking world myself. I expected people to want to join me and fight alongside me. 

So since no one did.... Then... 

I.... guess none of this shit is real. 

I even thought, sheesh, the way my ex is acting in court---- the way she is okay with keeping our kid from me-- she would never act like that in real life. It's as if some higher authority is making her do that. 

Even the judge, the "punishment" for me being depressed was completely out of line and unconstitutional. It's ridiculous. Like some higher authority forced that harsh sentence. 

So. Yeah. I guess I got a little too excited and carried away. 

I still stand on everything I said... But whatever this whole thing was, it's just done in this way. My way would've been better. But I guess the point is to be as ambiguous as possible. 

I think writing probably is my only craft I can really get into at this time. Different talents of mine come out during different seasons. Different feelings.

I just don't really feel the music in my heart anymore. Maybe it'll come back someday. Maybe there's too many words in the way right now. 

I thought we were gonna save the world, man. Lol. 

Long story short. You can't rush grief or depression. Not with drugs, not with religion or spirituality, not with a relationship, not with an exciting adventure. 

You need love. Friends. Family. Patience from others and yourself. I got very unlucky and a lot of people I went to in my incredibly vulnerable state kicked me to the fucking curb. It hurt so fucking bad. I couldn't take any more pain. So I became discouraged and basically stuck in my apartment. 

To those in real life "close friends" / family who turned me away or barely gave a fuck. Its still fuck you. 

But I should have tried my other friends. Should have given my family another chance. They had acted shitty to me right before my sister passed. The wound was still fresh. 

It was literally back to back to back to back, person after person, just. Being a fucking piece of shit to me. Honestly. 

So then. The internet people showed up. Cool. 

Then I made ZERO friends!! Excellent. Even more of a mind fuck. For like... a year. 

If any of them had talked to me like I wanted, I guess that would have what. Messed up the weirdness/creepiness of the whole thing. Which is their whole shtick, so. I get it, I guess. 

Well that's the thing. Art is subjective. It's supposed to reflect. Not to spell everything out literally. So you can feel it. 

So. I don't know. 

Maybe I got so excited about the idea of uniting everyone to save the world against some super evil occult bullshit that has something to do with my family.   That I forgot the fact that.... that's clearly not true. 

If any of it was. SOMETHING I did or said would have done SOMETHING. 

It's like a bridge troll being like, "You can cross my bridge if you solve my 3 riddles!"

You: *solves the riddles*

Troll: "... you still can't cross, fuck you."

Like. I guess the point was never to "figure it out."

The "point" was. Man I don't know. The point is what you make of it. 

I really thought people were gonna go to jail. 

I don't know who, or why though. I mean, the spying on me, yeah, but. That's like, a million fucking people, and no one seems to believe me or give a shit, so no one's getting in trouble for that. 

If my ex or uncle did something bad to me, it would be great if they would be held accountable. But I guess there's no proof of that. 

Hell, even with no proof, I spoke my theories. So. Yeah. None of it was real. That's why everyone just looked at me like I was crazy. Oh well.

Welp. I spent my young life reading self help books to get through depression. And in this last year and a half, I tried religion/spirituality.

I'll be going back to the self help books. No offense but. Those actually work 😂🤷‍♂️.

But hey. I guess we all lose ourselves at least once in our lives. 

I have felt just, distraught, empty, completely fucking lost for like, a year and a half now. And I work harder than most of you, every day, just to feel okay, so don't even start. No one's laying in bed all day doomscrolling, fuck no. I'm out every day. Every day in the winter, rain and snow, I was out. I've never been a quitter. Believe it or not, shit just hurts more for me. That's what it seems from my observation. 

I guess I was maybe kinda lost in the storyline. Yeah cause so much of it seemed real and I was like why am I the only fucking person doing anything about this shit? 

Cause it's not real. Damn. Oh well. 

I'm doing good, I'm getting better. I'm the one who sat there and watched all those damn videos, I don't know what the fuck was wrong with me, it's embarrassing, oh well. Those 2 chicks didn't do anything bad to me. Some other people kinda pissed me off a little sometimes. But whatever. 

I just really thought. There was something real going on. Something important. In real life. Not just some metaphorical stuff.

Maybe this is how I felt when I found out Santa wasn't real. He IS real... in our hearts! So. Whatever. Yeah there's story elements there... I've written like 40 pages this week. 

I guess that's the point. I gotta fill in the blanks of the story myself. And make a satisfying ending. 

Man lol. I really thought I might've been adopted. Or sold as a baby. Would've made so much sense. Sigh. 

Lol. Weird thing to be bummed about, right. 

Well. I stood on 10. I said the truth every time. I spoke up every time, I called people out every time. As far as "real life" goes, I couldn't have done better.

And... people just stared at me like I was crazy. 

Cause none of it was real!

I can't help but wonder why people in my real life would participate. That's the part that made me think like, I really do have some kinda evil rich family who told all my friends and family to mess with me and not tell me the truth. But. That's stupid. 

So. Oh well.

I'm doing great. I'm getting better. Nobody needs to worry about me. Nobody did any damage to me or hurt me, I was already in the middle of a lot of bad things when you all found me. I appreciate you trying to snap me out of it, but. Some stuff you just have to be patient until the storm passes. That's what I've learned. I was the one trying to snap out of it. That's why I hit up the therapist chick in the first place. I was running from my sadness from my sister passing. So. I'm the one who got me into the whole situation, a situation I definitely wasn't mentally or emotionally prepared for. 

Sigh. This would've been so cool to go through like, 5 years ago. I swear it would have been a totally different thing. I really got worse and worse over the years, really culminating to my lowest point right when you found me. But hey. It's all good. It happened this way, so. No sense in regretting nothing. 

I wish they would've been my friends though. I had a hard time with the... weird method of communication. It felt like having friends but... not... 

Anyways. I change a lot. It just happens. So. Sorry it's taken so long for me to get my shit together. I'm still figuring things out. I'm not quitting. Never.